For those who are married, this will be relevant  and for those who aren’t, you may want to take note for the future, but these advices may apply to your close family relationships like your mother, your father etc

You might be surprised to figure out you are doing these destructive things that will ultimately ruin your relationship with your spouse. 

When you get married, Suddenly, a huge part of someone else’s well-being and happiness largely becomes affected by your own choices and actions. Women need to be careful about how they are caring for their husbands and marriages. Don’t let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.

Here are just a few ways you might be unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage (please understand that although this is directed toward women, it can apply to men as well):

1. Living outside of what you can afford

“The best thing you can do as a wife is to live within your husband’s means.”

Wives, show sincere appreciation and respect to your husband by carefully following a budget and making the most of what you have. Be wise about your finances.

Constantly complaining about not having enough to fulfill your lavish desires or racking up astronomical amounts of debt is a poor way of saying “thank you” to a faithful spouse who works hard every day to provide for the family.

Yes, you may not have enough to buy those bags and shoes you’ve had your eyes on for months, but your husband will love and appreciate the fact that you honour him and are grateful for what he provides.

Nabi صلي الله عليه و سلم said, I was shown the fire and that the majority of its dwellers were ungrateful women. It was asked, Do they disbelieve/are they ungrateful to Allah? He replied

“They are ungrateful to their husbands and they are ungrateful for the favours and the good done to them. if you have always been good to one of them, and then she sees something (that she dislikes) she will say: I have never received any good from you. (Sahih Bukhari)

2. Constant negativity

You hate your hair, the messes around the house, you have nothing to wear, the neighbour across the street is annoying you, your work or studies are stressing you out,  the dishwasher is old, and everything in between. As soon as your husband walks through the door, you launch into action and dump every negative and angry thought that’s crossed your mind throughout the day.

Can you imagine having to carry that burden? Negativity is draining. Men like to fix things, and constantly being hounded with complaints makes it difficult for them to help solve your pains.

A good man wants you to be happy, and if he can’t help you do that, it makes him unhappy. It’s okay to have a bad day once in a while, that’s understandable, but don’t make it a way of life.

3. Putting everything else first

When your children, mother, best friends, talents, or career come before your husband, you send a clear message to him that he is unimportant. Imagine having that message sent to you every day for many years. What would that do to your self-esteem?

Put your husband first.

Although it sometimes seems counterproductive, you’d be amazed to find that it’s often the key to the greatest happiness in marriage. So many couples get divorced these days, because they neglect to care and love one another and put each other first.

If you choose to put each other first, you will find a lot of joy.

4. Withholding physical affection

Men crave and need physical affection from their wives. When you constantly decline intimacy, it wears on them.

Intimacy should not be used as a tool to control your spouse; it should be viewed as a sacred tool to draw you closer to one another and Allah Subhaanhu wa ta’ala

It is a great blessing to be wanted and needed by a loving, husband who wants to share something so beautiful and important with you — and you only. Even though you might not always be in the mood, it’s worth it to give in (when you can) and spend that time bonding.

5. Not speaking his language

Women love to drop hints. (I think it’s part of our DNA.) But men just don’t get them. (I think that is a part of their DNA.)

Don’t waste your time thinking he is going to read your mind or understand subtle hints. Speak plainly to him. Be honest about your feelings, and don’t bottle things up until you burst.

6. Backchatting

Backchatting makes husbands lose their feelings of sympathy and compassion. When a woman relentlessly harps on an issue her husband’s heart becomes detached from her even though he may be a good and caring person. No man can tolerate his wife’s backchat.

By speaking sweetly to her husband, a woman can make him forget all her faults. On the contrary, the husband of the best wife can quickly forget all her good qualities if she speaks disrespectfully to him.

So some remedies and ways to avert discord and promote unity and love in the home are as follows:

  • Make salaams it spreads love amongst us and it lets people know that they are safe from harm of our tongues or hands
  • Give gifts, another means of spreading love
  • Repel a bad deed with a good deed. Instead of revenge, do a good deed  back to the person, and Alla says then this person will become as if they are your best friend
  • It is recommended in a Kitaab written by Ml Haneef Abdul Majeed 

Say and teach the duaas for entering the home to the family. Say ta’awwudh, Tasmiya, Surah Ikhlaas and Durood, then say the dua for entering and learn the meaning AS WELL

Hazrat Jaabir RA has narrated from Rasoolullaah صلي الله عليه و سلم  that when a person takes Allah’s name at the time of entering his home and at the time of eating, Shaitaan says to his companions “There is neither accommodation nor food for us here” on the other hand when a person doesn’t Take Allah’s name when entering the home  Shaytaan tells his companions “You have found accommodation for the night” Thereafter he fails to take Allah’s name before eating, Shaytaan tells his companions, “You have food for the night”

Reducing Anger – 5 remedies

First, perform wudhu or drink water

It is narrated that Rasoolullaah صلي الله عليه و سلم said: Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform wudhu

2nd swallow anger.

Describing the true believers in Sura Shooraa, Allah Says they are people who pardon when they are angry

In Surah ‘Aali Imran, Allah describes the pious and Believers as “Those who spend in adversity, swallow their anger and forgive ppl”

3rd. Remedy for Reducing Anger 

Remain silent and perhaps engage in some other activity so that the matter may be forgotten and we may be prevented from saying something we may regret later.

4th remedy for reducing anger  

Leave the place immediately. Husband can go to the Masjid, you can go do something beneficial, wash some dishes. Perform 2 rakaat. Moving to a different place Changes the way you feel, you can take a breath, you heart rate can decrease, and it may distract your mind from thinking about something more beneficial instead of the thing which angered you

5th remedy for reducing anger

 When one is angry one should sit down if he is standing, and if he is sitting he should lie down.

Being close to the ground is effective in reducing anger because Allah has given the ground with the quality of humility. When sitting and lying down, this quality will rub off onto the angry person and reduce anger because humility is the opposite of anger and pride.

It says in Tuhfatuz Zawjayn: Experience shows that when a person becomes angry, he is inclined to get himself in a position to grab or hit the object of anger. Therefore if he is lying down, he will instinctively sit up or stand up. It follows therefore that by reversing the instinctive position of anger, the anger will be considerably reduced.

Rasoolullaah صلي الله عليه و سلم said “Behold. Anger is a burning coal that ignites the heart of a person. Do you not see the dilation of the angry person’s veins and the redness of his eyes? Whoever senses this happening to him should resort to the earth. He should resort to the earth, i.e. he should lie down and think about his final abode in the grave.”

Recap: live within your means, try not to constantly be negative, put your husband first, be affectionate, communicate clearly and don’t backchat. 

Use what has been commanded by Allah and the sunnah of Rasoolullaah صلي الله عليه و سلم as a

means of bringing about unity and love, beware of anger and that Shaytaan becomes happy when people are disunited.

May Allah grant us understanding and taufeeq.

(adapted from 5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Destroying Your Husband & Marriage by KATELYN CARMEN. Sourced from Brother Khalid Dhorat Jazakallah.

Reference: The Ideal Bride Ml MH Abdul Majeed)

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